Toilet Paper: Can't Live Without It
by Semine Midnight
Summary: Whoa...a strange pairing lies within, ye be warned. Here thar be monsters, and a lunaticial lassie who be drink far to many ice cubes. And who thinks she's a pirate. Mulch buys lots of toilet paper.


**Ugh. That's all I have to say for myself. Don't ask me where this came from; I don't even know. Gods, I'm pathetic.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Artemis Fowl character (which sucks) but I do own this story (which doesn't). The whole "American Bandstand" is from a webcomic named "Girly." I borrowed this (please don't sue!) and you should go read the comic. Now. Before you ruin your last shreds of innocence and joy! **

**((Sob)) Oh gods, I can't...this is just...oh, just roll the tape, Louie...oh gods... ((sob))

* * *

**Holly groaned. The pain coursed through her head, searing her eyes and ricocheting down to her hands and scorching the nerve-endings in her fingers. She slammed her head on her desk and whimpered.

"Why…" the elf whispered, "how could he…"

* * *

Suddenly, Mulch heard a door slam against the wall. With the air of one who has done this sort of thing many times before, he nonchalantly clapped a camouflage helmet on his head and entered the fetal position beneath his desk. He heard his enraged partner stomping around outside his office. She crashed open the door. 

"MULCH GODS-DAMNED DIGGUMS, HOW THE FREAKING HELL DID YOU SPEND HALF OF OUR FUNDS ON TOLIET PAPER?" Holly screamed.

"I…" Mulch said in a habitual sort of voice, temporarily lifting his head from under the desk.

"Shut up!" Holly commanded. Mulch sighed, regained his fetal position, and lifted a piece of white printing paper in the surrender sign, which was blatantly ignored.

"I can understand ink, and I can understand paper and repairs and even the stupid dry-cleaning for a jacket that hadn't been worn since 1853, but TOILET PAPER? You honestly expect me to understand that you spent half- not a quarter, but _half_- of our budget on toilet paper? How do you do this stuff?" Holly sat down in Mulch's desk chair, and nudged him in the ribs with her boot.

"Look, Holly, I cannot explain someone else's, much less my actions when drunk. All I can say is that it seemed like a logical- no, genius- thing to do at the time. And look! We won't need toilet paper for at least another fifty years!" Mulch said, his voice slightly muffled, still raising the paper.

"You're a complete idiot. I ought to fire you right now!" the elf exclaimed, scowling at the dwarf's back. "And get out from under that desk. I need to see you eye to eye."

As he got up, Holly started laughing. She thought that his army helmet was terribly amusing, and it was set at such a strange angle on his head, she couldn't contain her amusement.

Mulch, meanwhile, was rather confused as her laughter became shriek-like, and her body racked with cries of mirth. Holly's eyes darted back and forth frantically, and Mulch realized she was hysterical. He ran out of get a cup of water from the water tank, and returned quickly.

"Calm down, Holly!" he exclaimed, as he placed a firm hand on the elf's shoulder. Slowly, the strange laughter subsided, and she drank the water he had brought her.

"Thanks," she murmured. "I don't know what got into me. It's just…"

"Look, Holly, I'm really sorry about the funds, and I'll make it up in any way I can, but…"

Holly smiled. "Granted, that was a stupid thing to do. But mostly, running this agency is starting to catch up. I'm always really stressed out over money, and the cases never seem to bring in much, and I'm beginning to suspect you of stealing staplers."

"First of all, you didn't begin this for the money, but whenever you need some extra, just tell me, because I know a few Mud families…"

"No, Mulch. Bad boy," Holly admonished, whacking him with a rolled up piece of paper.

"Now you see the reason for the helmet. Second of all, the cases do bring in good money, but you idiot partner spends it on the necessities of life, such as toilet paper. Things will pick up, and if they don't those Mud families are in for it. And third of all, you should hear the anguished shrieks of the staplers whenever we contort one of their staple-y children; it's heartbreaking."

"I'd ask, but I don't want to know. So, how do you propose that we fix the toilet paper incident?"

"How about…"

"If this has anything to do with breakfast cereals, hamburgers nailed to stop-signs, everyone living in seventeen handbags, and the revival of the American bandstand, I won't listen."

"Well there goes plan A. How about you…" Mulch sighed, wincing. "Do you know how much this hurts my pride?"

Holly nodded, sipping the water.

"Why don't you…take the expenses out of my paycheck?" Mulch asked, looking on the verge of tears.

"Mulch! What a generous and kind recommendation! Are you sure you want me to siphon away a large amount of money from your well-earned paycheck?" the elf asked, enjoying this.

"Ugh…yes, Holly, I would be more than happy for you to take away large amounts of money from my well-earned paycheck," Mulch recited, taking off his helmet. "On one condition," he added, as an afterthought.

"And that would be…?" Holly asked, suspicious.

She was answered by the dwarf's lips on hers. He had grasped the arms of the chair Holly was occupying, effectively locking her in.

Mulch's heart stopped as Holly didn't move. He was expecting pain, and lots of it, but he needed to do this; he had since he'd set eyes on the pretty captain when she swatted him away from an officer's wallet.

A terrifying second passed as Mulch hung from Holly's lips, just brushing her. And then Holly sighed warmly and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, causing a result in Mulch that made him want to whoop. He didn't because he had other things on his mind.

After many seconds of bliss on both sides of the equation, a phone in Holly's office rang. Nipping softly at her partner's lips, Holly whispered, "I'd better get that."

"All right," Mulch said softly, letting her out of his chair.

"Oh, and Mulch?" Holly asked, turning in the threshold to look at the dwarf who occupied the chair she had vacated.

"Yes?"

"Good call on the toilet paper. I couldn't have made a better investment myself." With a grin, Holly continued into her office, leaving a extremely contented dwarf behind her.

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**Yes, the last bit is dinky, no need to point it out. I need to work on my endings, but for now: meh. **

**See why I was so worked up? This is the first (?) of this pairing on this website, so I'm all proud of myself and junk. Next is a FoalyMulch. Feel free to scream now.**

** Review, please!**

**Until next time: this is Semine, signing off! **


End file.
